Happy New Year 2014!

Last January, I declared that 2013 would be the year that:

1. I would conquer my fears and start sending queries for my manuscripts.

and

2. I would simplify my life and say "no" more often.

Check, and (almost) Check!

I joined Sub It Club to give myself a feeling of accountability. If I had a whole group of people asking me whether I was submitting my work, I'd be more likely to do it, right?

Absolutely!

And it worked!! In 2013, I accepted an offer of publication for my debut novel (TWELVE STEPS) to Swoon Romance and signed with my literary agent, the fabulous Jessica Sinsheimer, who fell in love with my middle grade novel, LETTERS FROM HEAVEN.

I did say "no" more often in 2013, but I still took on a lot of challenges.

In May, I accepted the challenge from SCBWI MD/DE/WV once again to write a middle grade novel in 72 hours. (I completed the challenge this year. And eventually, I might even get around to revising and editing that manuscript!)

Dreams Do Come True

I'm a proud member of the Flirt Squad, Rachel Harris' fan club.

And this week, celebrating the upcoming (Tuesday!!) release of A TALE OF TWO CENTURIES, Rachel has challenged us to share our dreams and passions.

If you've been following along, you know this challenge comes at a perfect time for me. This week, I got to announce my own dream-come-true: Swoon Romance will be publishing my Young Adult novel, TWELVE STEPS, in 2014!!

Many, many years ago, my step-grandfather cornered me one day to ask what I wanted to be when I grow up. I told him that I wanted to be a mom and a writer. And then, I had to endure a never-ending lecture all about how I was much too smart to waste my brain on being "just a mother." (And I do mean never-ending. My own amazing mother stepped in and rescued me that day, but from that day on, until my first child was born and he realized it was too late, Grandpa lectured me about how my dreams were a waste of a good brain every single time he saw me.)

But I knew that being a mother was totally not a waste. My own mom was a total rockstar. She could do anything, and she always taught me that I could too. In fact, I always believed that my super-smart brain (the one Grandpa didn't want me to waste) was a direct result of the time and energy my stay-at-home mother spent on me. And what better way to use my brain than to pass that gift on to my own children?

Achieving the first half of my dream (being a mother) was relatively easy. (Okay, to be honest, being a mom is never really easy. It's a daily roller coaster ride, emotionally, mentally and physically. And if you've read my previous blog posts, you've likely witnessed many of my ups and downs there.) But I have four amazing and beautiful children, and a super-supportive husband. When Grandpa (or anyone else) asked what I wanted to do with my life, I could point to my family and proudly announce: "I'm already living the dream!" And I totally love being Supermom.

But that was only half of the dream. I also desperately wanted to be a real, published author. The kind where people who aren't related to me might want to read my books. And there were times when I thought it might never happen. I wrote plenty of stories that were quickly abandoned as not good enough. And I wrote a few that I probably gave up on way too soon. But I kept going. Once I decided to go for the dream, I didn't stop. I didn't quit. I didn't look back (although I'll admit, I was tempted on more than one occasion).

When the offer from Swoon came a few weeks ago, my youngest daughter asked, "Mom, if I work hard like you, will my dreams come true too?"

And that was when I knew I'd truly accomplished my dream. I'm a mom. And I'm an author. And even more important: I'm a mom who, in striving to accomplish my goals, taught my daughter that hard work and determination can make dreams come true.

Little Things Really Matter

Lately, my brain has been on constant overload. I've had so much going on (amazing things and not-very-happy things all at once) that I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of too-much-to-do. And my attempts to focus on one thing at a time have led to nothing but a panicky what-if-something-else-is-more-important feeling. And not only have I been unable to complete the simplest tasks, but I feel like I can't even complete a thought.

Today, I sat in church, desperately trying to shut down my overloaded mind and concentrate on the peace I usually feel there. But all I could think about was my growing to-do list and the many issues I still couldn't figure out how to solve. As we quietly sat in the chapel, waiting for the Sacrament, a little girl in the pew across the aisle started softly singing a simple Primary song. (Primary is the children's Sunday school organization for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. - Many of the gospel principles are taught to the young children through songs.)

This particular song has always been one of my favorites. The words come from Jesus' parable about the wise man building his house upon a rock, and the foolish man building his house on the sand. (When the rains and floods came, only the wise man's house was left standing.) As I listened to this little girl happily singing "The wise man built his house upon the rock... and the rains came tumbling down..." all of the little drops of trouble that were flooding my mind came together in one great flood of issues. And I realized that my "house" is pretty sturdy. I have a firm foundation of family, friends, and the Lord to keep me from floating away, no matter how high the flood waters rise around me. And even though I still don't know what to do about some of the problems I'm facing, I know they'll help me through.

So today, I'm thankful for an adorable little girl and a sweet song that helped put everything in perspective!

Oh, and speaking of little things...

Phil (@ArtistHubby to those of you who know him by that name) thought it was really funny to startle our friend's daughter, Natalie Bush, every time he saw her. Because she was so easily scared. She was determined to get him back, but she never could sneak up on him properly (he always saw her and scared her instead), so when she moved, I promised I'd get him back for her. Natalie, this video is for you!! :)

I set up the video camera to record one afternoon when I was home sick, knowing that Phil would come in to check on me when he came home, so I could scare him. Sorry for the dark, grainy image. I couldn't light the area better, or he would know something was up.

Boring Summer? Try this Instant Fix!

The kids have been out of school for a little over two weeks, and we've already packed a lot of summer fun into our days. We've had movie marathons, sleepovers, all-day pool parties, play dates at the local video arcade/pizza buffet, daddy-daughter dates, manicures, father-son camp-outs, hanging-out-with-mommy nights, trips to the library, monster-brownie-sundae dessert nights, water fights, picnics... and my son just got home from a week-long "trek" (the young men and women from the congregations of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in our area divided into families and handcart companies, then participated in a recreation of the pioneer trek west). We've been so busy, I've barely had time to stop and take a breath. Two-and-a-half weeks into the summer break, and I'm already on the verge of collapse. There's no way I'll be able to keep up this frantic pace all summer long.

Happy Mother's Day! (Just one day late)

I am so grateful for all of the Mothers in my life! I didn't write a post yesterday, because I spent the day being loved by my children and calling many of these mothers (mom, mother-in-law, grandmothers, sisters). But this morning, I saw this video, that perfectly sums up my feelings, so I had to share.

Love and hugs to you all!

It's Apparent I'm A Parent

So my blog has been fairly neglected for the past week. I had plans to post a yummy Crock Pot Gourmet recipe last Thursday, and I had all sorts of thoughts and random nonsense to share with you... but sometimes life gets in the way of the best plans. As you know, my first priority is always my family. And this past week has been super busy on the Mom front. Blogging, writing and recipe creation had to take a back seat for a while.

 

What have I been doing instead?

 

I spent 2 afternoons taking my daughter to Alamosa Books (our favorite independent bookstore here in Albuquerque) with her friends, so that she could film the scenes she needed for her "movie trailer" video book report project. (She needed a "library" setting for the scenes, but the only days available for our filming were the days that the public library was closed. We're so grateful for the friendly staff at Alamosa Books who allowed us to pretend their bookstore was a library for a few hours!)

 

We spent one afternoon recording the sound files for the video, and locating some royalty-free music we could use for it as well.

 

I spent one evening teaching my son and his scout troop to sew the bags they need for a week-long Trek this summer.

 

I spent one afternoon/evening (continuing late into the early morning) helping my daughter navigate through technical difficulties with the video-editing software as she put her presentation together.

 

I took time to attend an awards ceremony with my son, as he was recognized for his academic achievements this year.

 

And I entertained a houseful of little girls overnight, as we celebrated my youngest daughter's birthday with a pizza, movies & makeovers slumber party. (Complete with homemade build-your-own pizzas

 

and my failed attempt at making an ice cream cake - it was supposed to be a giant cupcake, but I couldn't get the cake to come out of the pan.)

I even got to visit my oldest daughter's class when she presented her book report and the video for the LIBRARY JUMPERS project, and she told me I could post a clip here.

 

It's been a crazy, busy week, and I'm exhausted. But I don't regret a moment of the time spent with my family.

 

And I'm slowly getting back on schedule, but first I think I'll take a nap!

 

 

Update: I found out that I'm one of the lucky 150 to make it into the blog hop round of The Writer's Voice competition, so the Crock Pot Gourmet recipe I had planned for today will be posted on Saturday instead. Thanks for being so patient with me! :)

Being Supermom, Even When I Don't Feel Super

Once, a couple of years ago, I was trying to coordinate an activity for church, and I called one of the ladies in our congregation to ask for her help in planning the activity. She responded with a frustrated "No." and then proceeded to rail at me for several minutes about how she had too much on her plate and couldn't be bothered with trivial things. She ended the call with this bitter statement: "We can't all be supermom, like you." I cried for days over that call, not because this dear woman wouldn't help me, but because I completely understood the frustration and feelings of inadequacy that consumed her.

I hear it all the time. "I don't know how you do it." "I could never do all the things you do." "How do you find the time?" And almost always, the conversation ends with a frustrated sigh. "Well, I'm a failure. I guess we can't all be supermom."

Here's my secret:

I don't actually do it all!!

As most of you know, I have this silly little brain tumor that sometimes messes with the way my body functions. There are days when I literally can't get out of bed, because the signals get crossed on the way from my brain to my muscles, and I can't always control my limbs. I can't raise my voice without getting light-headed. When I hear fighting or screaming, my muscles start shutting down, one-by-one, and if I don't manage to walk away from or stop the contention soon enough, I'll end up passed out on the floor. The list goes on, but you get the point. There are plenty of things that I simply can't do, no matter how much I wish I could.

I learned, years ago, when the symptoms of living with this brain tumor started intruding on my life, that I could choose to push myself beyond the point of exhaustion, trying to do things I wasn't physically capable of doing "because these are things a good mother does," or I could let some things go and live a happier life.

And here's another little secret: Even though I know that I've chosen well, in letting some things slide, I sometimes fall into the trap of feeling like a total failure, because other moms seem to have it all together. We all do it. We pick out the places within ourselves where we are weakest and compare those weaknesses to the greatest strengths of our friends and acquaintances.

Ironically, I think that my "supermom" reputation has grown out of my limitations. Because I'm not physically able to do everything for them, my children have had to learn to do so many things for themselves, and their successes reflect back on me....

When the kids were very young (6, 4, 2 and newborn), my husband was stationed overseas for a year, leaving me to play the single parent role. And one morning, I couldn't get my arms and legs to work properly, but someone had to do the laundry, or we would have nothing to wear. So I sat on the couch with the baby and gave directions to the other three children. Even the two-year-old was able to perform small tasks, like pulling all of the towels and jeans out of the hamper and sorting them into a pile. Or separating the whites from the colors. And with a chair pulled up to the washing machine, they could reach to put the clothes into the wash, one load at a time. The kids were thrilled to be doing "grown-up" work, even bragging to their friends that they got to do the laundry all by themselves. (By the time hubby came home again, at the end of the year, the kids were so practiced in the chore that doing the laundry was no longer "mom's job.")

And my biggest Supermom secret: I'm not last on my priority list!
I think too many women have fallen into the trap of believing that it's selfish to do things for themselves. We push our dreams and desires to the bottom of the priority list, and we tell ourselves that we can get to those things only if we first complete everything else on the to-do list. The problem is, we'll never get to the end of that to-do list. There will always be something else to do for someone else. And it's good to focus outward on others. But we can't do that all the time. Because you can't draw water from an empty well. And if we don't take time to refill our stores, eventually, we'll dry up completely. We'll have nothing left to give.

Yes, there are plenty of household chores that I can perform better or quicker by doing them myself. I don't care. Often, the dishes pile up in the sink, and the clean, unfolded laundry sits in a basket for days. And our house is almost never sparkling-clean. But I'm not going to apologize for it. Because I've learned that sometimes, being a supermom means letting go of the unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves and taking time for what really matters. And if I only have an hour between appointments and errands and other pressing commitments, I'd rather spend that hour writing than washing dishes (that's what paper plates are for)!

Becoming Perfect, One Day at a Time

This morning, in my daily devotional study, I came across the following from Lorenzo Snow (President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - the Mormon Church - from 1898 to 1901):

Do not expect to become perfect at once. If you do, you will be disappointed. Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today. The temptations that perhaps partially overcome us today, let them not overcome us so far tomorrow. Thus continue to be a little better day by day; and do not let your life wear away without accomplishing good to others as well as to ourselves.

Each last day or each last week should be the best that we have ever experienced, that is, we should advance ourselves a little every day, in knowledge and wisdom, and in the ability to accomplish good.
 

 He didn't say that we shouldn't expect perfection. In fact, he encourages each of us to eventually attain perfection in our lives by striving each day to be a little bit more perfect than we were yesterday.

This advice is going into my permanent file of encouragement. Because it applies to every aspect of life.

Yes, I will make mistakes as I strive to be the best mom ever. There may be times when, tired and discouraged, I will lose my temper and yell, and then send the kids to their rooms, instead of taking the time to calmly discuss the issues we're struggling with. Or I may, from time to time, serve cold cereal for dinner instead of a 4-course gourmet meal. But these little setbacks don't mean I've killed my chances for ever being a good mom. (Heck, sometimes we need a cold cereal night more than we need a gourmet dinner!)

Yes, I will make mistakes with my writing. I might write a truly terrible first draft of a story, full of two-dimensional characters and totally lacking depth and direction. But I can revise, rework and edit that story until it shines. I might accidentally send a query letter for my story about a little clown who struggles with the fact that he doesn't have over-sized feet like the other clowns to an agent who has a terrible fear of clowns... and then discover a tweet from that same agent where she admits her phobia and advises that all clown stories should be destroyed immediately. But I can research other agents, looking for one who loves clowns before I send other queries. (Note: this is a hypothetical situation. I don't have such a story... although now I want to write it... and if I do, I promise not to send it to any agents or editors who have openly admitted their Coulrophobia.)

Yes, I will make mistakes as a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and a Christian. There will be moments when I am far from perfect. But that's the great thing about this life. We have second chances. When we make mistakes, we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and fix them. We can move forward each day, working to make ourselves today just a little bit better than we were yesterday.

And we will have moments (many, many moments) when we are perfect. That cake recipe you've been struggling with for years? Finally came out perfectly... That complicated piano piece you've been practicing? You didn't miss a single note this time... That phone call you made to a friend, just because you were thinking of her? It was exactly what she needed at a particularly low point in her life. - We may not see or recognize all of our perfect moments, and we may stumble and fall more than once in between those moments. But that's okay.

Because the Lord only asked us to "Be ye therefore perfect," (Matthew 5:48). He didn't say "and I expect you to do it all today."

Parenting in Difficult Times

We had a very powerful lesson in our combined Relief Society / Priesthood meeting today.

(For my friends who aren't familiar with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, let me explain: Relief Society is the women's organization of the church, and all worthy male members of the church, ages 12 and older are given Priesthood responsibilities. Each Sunday, our worship services consist of a Sacrament meeting, where the whole congregation meets together to be taught together and to partake of the Sacrament, as instituted by Jesus Christ at the Last Supper. Then, we break into our Sunday School classes, and in our third hour - yes, we have three hours of worship each Sunday - the women meet for Relief Society, the men meet for Priesthood lessons, and the children meet together for Primary. When there are five Sundays in a month, however, the fifth Sunday is a special meeting where the Relief Society and Priesthood come together for a joint lesson on a pertinent topic. These are usually my favorite lessons!)

Today, our lesson was about an issue that extends far beyond the boundaries of our church community. Our youth today are under attack. They face issues at an earlier and earlier age that many of us never dreamed of dealing with when we were very young. Even elementary school-aged children face tough choices when it comes to pornography, drugs and alcohol (and so much more)! As I've mentioned before, we can't wait until a child is "ready" to handle a particular issue to introduce the subject. If we don't have the courage to open clear lines of communication with our children about sex and drugs and all of the other tough issues when they are still much too young to engage in these behaviors, they simply won't be prepared to make strong choices for themselves when they are "old enough!"

We watched a short, but powerful video produced by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints about the importance of "staying within the lines." Just as in any sporting event, you must stay within the boundaries set for the competition if you want to make progress, we have boundaries that help us make progress in life as well. We are happier when we stay within the lines that the Lord has set for us. (Here is the video:)



The conversation that followed was powerful. One thought that was repeatedly expressed was that we are not here to be "friends" to our children. We need to have the courage to be PARENTS! I agree, with one slight correction to the statement...

We are not here to be our kids' buddies, but a true Parent is the best kind of true friend! I've always believed that a true friend is one who will lift you up and help you to become the best person you can be. That is the kind of friend we should be for our children. Lift them when they fall. Love them when they are not perfect. Let them know you expect greatness from them. Be there when they need a shoulder to cry on, but have the courage to let them face the consequences of their mistakes. Our children should know that they can come to us with anything that's troubling them. They should know that we will love them, no matter how royally they screw up. They should know that we will do anything and everything in our power to help them learn to be truly happy. And they should understand that sometimes, in order to help them learn, we will have to be "mean." That we won't clean up the messes they've made, but we'll help them find the brooms and mops and antibacterial cleanser (real and metaphorical) and teach them how to clean up after themselves.

That's what a True Friend will do for you. A buddy is someone who you can laugh with when times are good, but a True Friend will encourage you to keep going when times are tough. And if we want to be effective parents, we need to be True Friends for our children.

Don't Forget to Be Patient With Yourself!

I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It’s wonderful that you have strengths.

And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.

God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths,¹ but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect,² and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself.

Dear sisters, many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.

- President Dieter F. Uchtdorf,

2nd Counselor in the First Presidency of

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Last weekend was the annual General Women's Broadcast for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I look forward to this all year, because the messages always seem to be exactly what I need.  This year was no exception.  I especially loved President Uchtdorf's message.  I'm certain he wrote it specifically with me in mind! (You can read the whole message here.) 

I'm sure many of you can relate.  I know I'm not the only one who spends far too much time comparing my weaknesses to others' strengths.  But why do we do that?  If we can forgive the small mistakes and weaknesses of our friends and family members, why can't we forgive those same mistakes and weaknesses in ourselves?

I'm fully aware of my shortcomings.  I feel like I need to apologize for my house whenever anyone comes to visit, because there's always a pile of clutter in a corner somewhere that I haven't dealt with yet.  I'm embarrassed to admit that sometimes I serve cold cereal (without the cut up slices of fresh fruit, eggs, bacon, juice and milk that the commercials show as "a complete balanced breakfast") when I'm too tired to cook a real dinner.  I don't think I'll ever attain a model-thin body, no matter how much time I spend at the gym.  And I sometimes let my kids watch TV when they have a day off from school, because I didn't take the time to come up with a fun and educational family field trip. 

Everyone else seems to be so much farther down the road to perfection than I am!  I spend most of my days furtively looking over my shoulder, waiting for my friends, family and casual acquaintances to point out all the ways that I'm disappointing them, because no matter how hard I try, I keep falling short. 

But instead, I often hear comments like: "I wish I could dance like you, but I have 2 left feet."  "I wish I had long, pretty hair like yours, but mine gets too frizzy if I try to let it grow past my shoulders."  "You cut your daughter's hair yourself?  It's so cute! I could never learn how to do something like that."  "You should really think about selling those cute bags you make.  I wish I could do something creative like that."

These are all things that come easily for me, or they're skills I've spent enough time mastering that I don't think about them as true accomplishments anymore.  But the thing is, we all have things we're good at, things we still need to work on and (sadly) skills we will probably never master.  That's okay!  We can use our own strengths to lift and help others where they may be weak, and they can do the same for us.  That's why we're all on this earth together!

My Sister... My Friend

Today is my big sister's birthday (Happy Birthday, Carin!), but we live in different time zones, and it's sometimes nearly impossible to get in touch with each other.  Today was, apparently, one of those days.  I had to be content with leaving birthday messages on her facebook page and voicemail and hoping that she knows how much I love her.

It's kind of ironic...  Carin and I were the bitterest of enemies when we were kids.  We took sibling rivalry to monumental extremes, and I don't think either one of us believed our parents when they told us we'd be best friends one day.  In fact, the only time we ever really cooperated with each other for any extended period of time was when we were "pulling one over" on dear old mom and dad. 

Our parents used to punish us for fighting by sitting us side-by-side on the couch with strict instructions that we weren't allowed to speak to one another.  Then, they would leave the room.  Of course, we would immediately show dear old mom and dad that they couldn't make us do anything we didn't want to do.  We didn't have to do what they told us to do!!!  So, just to spite our mean, horrible old parents, we would start talking to each other.  Just in whispers, mind you.  We knew we'd be in bigger trouble if Mom and Dad ever found out we were "openly" defying them like this. 

But the point is, we WERE defying them - even if they didn't know it.  Before long, we were laughing and giggling about how sneaky we were, and how clueless our parents were.  Because THEY NEVER FIGURED IT OUT! Every single time we got in trouble for fighting, the punishment was the same.  Every single time, they put us together on the couch and made us sit silently together. And Every Single Time they left the room and forgot to pay attention to whether or not we were following the punishment they were trying to give us. 

It was really easy to fool Mom and Dad, because they always got busy doing other things in another part of the house, so they were always gone for a really long time (at least 10 minutes!), and they always announced "I'm coming back in there, and you'd better be sitting quietly like I told you to!" before coming back to check on us.  So we could easily stop talking and pretend we had been quiet the whole time.  We even managed to disguise our giggles and laughter with scowls and frowns, so that our clueless parents never knew we'd tricked them!

These days, Carin and I don't worry about that old, silly sibling rivalry.  These days, she's one of my best friends.  We learned to love each other in spite of our clueless parents' attempts to teach us "valuable lessons."  And now, I look forward to spending time with my big sister, because I know we don't need to compete for anything. 

Besides, I know I'm really Mom and Dad's favorite child (it's obvious - whenever they want to see me, they spend hundreds of dollars on plane tickets to fly out to see me, and they stay at my house for weeks at a time... they never even spend the night at Carin's house!), but I almost never point out how much they love me more.  I even let my big sister believe that she's the favorite, just because they come over to her house for Sunday dinner almost every week... 

Veronica the Grouch

I've been allowing myself to complain too much lately. It occurred to me today that I've been irritated by the level of bickering and fighting among my children lately. I keep yelling at them to tell them to quit yelling.... which, now that I think about it, really doesn't make even the tiniest bit of sense!! I've been more a part of the problem than a part of the solution!

So I've set a New (School) Year's resolution for myself: I am going to spend some time each day reminding myself of all of the reasons that I am grateful for my children. And I am going to take some time to play board games or read stories with them several times a week, even if it means pulling out games or books when the house isn't clean yet!

I realized, as I was thinking about it during Sacrament meeting today, that one of the biggest irritations for me lately is that I have so much work to do, and all I want is to take time out to play with the kids! It is so frustrating to me when they ask if we can play a board game and I look around to see toys and books and dirty clothes strewn all over the house. The frustrating thing is not that they want to pull out one more thing to add to the mess (although, I guess that is a part of the frustration). What bothers me the most is that I want to play too, and I get sad thinking that I have to clean up and keep working so that the house will look nice, even when the kids are taking a break to play a fun game. So, why do I have to have a spotless house before I can play with the kids? Maybe, if I stop working for a bit and play with them for a little while, they will be more willing to help me clean up afterward.... I don't know if that will work, but I figure it's worth a shot, right? If nothing else, it will give me an excuse to play some of the games that are just sitting, unused, in my huge game closet right now....

Also, I'm going to try to get to bed earlier each night. Staying up late to try to get things done really isn't working, because all that happens is that I wind up falling asleep on the couch while trying to fold laundry or something like that. And it can't be helping with my grumpiness to be getting so little sleep each night! With that in mind, I am off to bed now!

My Knees Hurt!

I've been reflecting a lot in the past few days about how lucky I am for my health and strength. It wasn't long ago when I couldn't even stand up or walk without someone to help me, let alone drive or climb stairs or any of the other little things that we take for granted each day!

A dear friend of ours who was injured in Iraq fell down and hurt himself last Monday because he was trying to do more than he is capable of doing right now. This, understandably, was somewhat frustrating for many of those who know him. If he could just accept his own limitations, things like this wouldn't happen. I get that, I really do. I understand how difficult and frustrating it is to see someone you love hurting simply because they are too stubborn to admit that they need help.

At the same time, I really empathize with this friend. What the others don't and really can't understand is how absolutely frustrating it is to suddenly be unable to do so many of the things that were second nature to you before. It eats away at you and makes you feel like you aren't quite a person anymore, somehow. It hurts, too, when people you know and love start looking at the injury and noticing the disability more than they see and notice you. It makes you want to push harder than you know you should, just to get some semblance of normalcy back in your life. You want to prove to everyone else that you really are still the same person you always were, and so you try to act like you always did. Sometimes, that brings painful (or just plain embarrassing) consequences!

I remember when I was at Relief Society Camp with some of the ladies from our ward here. We were out on the "lake" (more like a large pond, really) on a raft, just enjoying the day. Well, one of my friends suggested trading the raft for one of the paddle boats. I agreed to go with her, so the other ladies on the raft paddled us over close to the shore so that we could wade out and over to the paddle boats. I got off of the raft and started to walk to the shore. The water came up almost to my knees, so I was walking very carefully so that I wouldn't get my rolled-up jeans wet. (I hadn't thought about going out on the lake, so I hadn't brought any extra clothing with me. It was just an overnight campout, and I planned to wear the same clothes home in the morning and shower before getting dressed for real.) Anyway, I took about 2 steps before disaster struck. I thought that my right foot (the one that I can't feel anymore) was on the ground, and I lifted up my left foot to take a step forward. My right foot had not yet hit the bottom of the pond, however. So when I lifted up my other foot, I didn't have a leg to stand on, so to speak! I went down, completely under the water!! Of course, I found my footing and I was up again quickly - the whole episode took probably less than 30 seconds from the time I left the raft - and I played it off as just a silly little thing. But I have to admit that it was quite frustrating and embarrassing and even pretty scary.

I wasn't scared that I would drown or anything like that. I'm a very good swimmer with good, strong swimming arms, and like I said before, the "lake" was not deep at all. When I was standing, it only came up to my knees, after all! No, the scary part had nothing to do with the water. The thing that scared me was the thought that I may never be able to do all of the things that I used to do without giving it a second thought - all of those simple, little tasks that we do every day... and some of them aren't so simple anymore.

I am so grateful this week as I ponder on these things that I am regaining so much of my strength and ability. I still don't have full feeling in my right leg or left hand, and to tell the truth, if I were to get full feeling back now, it would probably throw me off just as much as losing the feeling disoriented me in the first place. I've gotten so used to compensating that I don't know what I would do if I could feel what I'm doing, you know?

Still, I sometimes forget that I have limitations. Sometimes, I still injure or embarrass myself because I forget to think about what I can't do easily anymore. This afternoon, for instance.

The kids and I went to the Post Office on base to send a small package to Phil. When we were finished, we were walking back out to the car, on our way to the Commissary to buy groceries. I looked over at one of the kids beside me to say something, and I forgot to think about the fact that the sidewalk slopes slightly down from the door of the Post Office to the parking lot. It's not a steep incline, really barely noticeable at all, but it isn't completely smooth, flat and level either. Suddenly, somehow, I lost my balance. I'm guessing that the high-heeled boots I was wearing just made the incline a tiny bit more pronounced to my senses, and it was too much for me. Without warning, without even really taking a step, I suddenly pitched forward and went down. I twisted my ankle and landed hard on my knees. I tore my new jeans (guess I'll be going shopping again sooner than I thought) and severely injured my pride. Of course, all of the kids came running to see what had happened. That wasn't too bad, because I could simply explain to them that mommy lost her balance again, but it was okay now. Unfortunately, we weren't the only people in the parking lot. A gal who had been just getting into her car witnessed the whole thing and came over to see if I was going to be okay. I really felt silly, especially since I really didn't have an explanation for what happened!

We made it through the Commissary and home again without further incident, although I almost went down again when Katie took hold of my hand in the Commissary parking lot and pulled on it gently to try to get my attention! I think that the worst part of the whole thing was that, in the fall, I managed to break the heels on both of my boots, so now my favorite boots are history!

But, you know, it could have been so much worse. I could have hit my head rather than my knees when I fell. Or I could have broken a bone. (It wouldn't have been the first time that a dizzy fall has given me a broken bone.) I could have been incapacitated in some way and left my kids with no one to take care of them... Pride is easily mended, and I will soon forget (at least, mostly) this incident. In the meanwhile, I will try to remember to be grateful that incidents such as this one are growing to be less and less frequent as I grow stronger. And if nothing else, this whole situation gives me a little inkling of understanding for a dear friend who is struggling to find a way to be the man he has always been, even as he comes to accept the fact that he may never be able to do all that he has always done.

My Little Guardian Angel

Lately, I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. As most of you know, that isn't an unusual state for me. I never sleep very well, and it seems like the earlier I go to bed, the more tired I am in the morning. The sleep study I had done in mid-February only showed that I don't have Obstructive Sleep Apnea. (I wasn't surprised by that, as Phil tells me that I almost never snore, and snoring is one of the main symptoms of Obstructive Sleep Apnea.) Anyway, I was disappointed by the results of the sleep study, as I was hoping that they would find something that could be easily remedied and I would be able to sleep. What a sharp disappointment to find that once again, the doctor's couldn't figure out what is causing my symptoms! Several people had suggested to me that my sleeping problems must be the result of my husband's absence - it must be depression, since I miss him so much....

Well, I grabbed hold of that thought with much hope (never mind the fact that I haven't slept well in at least 2 years - long before Phil got his orders to Korea) and told myself that I would sleep really well while we were in Korea visiting him. I'm sure you can imagine the disappointment I felt when I realized that I was not sleeping any longer or better there than I do here. The only difference was that I managed to get myself to bed much earlier each night while we were there than I ever do here. Still, I woke up several times during the night, just as I do here, and I was just as tired each morning.

I've been telling myself that the reason I followed an earlier bedtime schedule in Korea was because I forgot to bring any of my projects with me and I didn't have any reason to stay up. So when I realized this week that I've been staying up until the wee hours of the morning again, I determined to cut down on my projects and get myself to bed at an earlier hour. I know that, even though I'm still tired in the morning no matter when I go to bed, it probably is better over all to go to bed at 10:00 rather than 2:00 or 3:00. Even though I don't notice a difference in the level of my fatigue, there probably is a difference....

So yesterday, I made a point to get everything I needed to do finished by 9:00pm. I was so proud of myself! I was going to get to bed early and start taking care of myself better....

Instead, I found myself creating little busywork tasks to accomplish before bed, and before you know it, it was nearly 2:30am, and I was still up and about. That's when I suddenly realized that there truly was a difference when I was in Korea with my sleeping. It's not that I went to bed because I didn't have anything to do (I could easily have stayed up to catch up on our family blog), but because I wasn't afraid of not waking up. Last January, when I was talking to Dr. Boggan (my neurosurgeon) about the breathing trouble I've been having and how it sometimes catches me off guard and I realize that I am not breathing, how I have to sometimes consciously think about breathing or else I just stop... Anyway, Dr. Boggan reassured me by saying, "Don't worry too much about it. As long as you are awake, you will breathe." It hadn't really occurred to me before that comment, but if I have episodes when my breathing stops while I'm awake, it's likely that it occurs sometimes while I'm asleep. So what if one of these times, I don't catch myself and remind myself to breathe?

Anyway, last night, as I realized that I was avoiding going to bed, it suddenly occurred to me that the big difference between here and Korea was that I knew that if something happened to me while I was sleeping there, Phil would probably notice, and he could wake me up and get me to breathe again. Here, I don't have anyone next to me while I'm sleeping, and there's no guarantee that I would catch myself. I realized that, even though that fear is not the cause of my sleeping troubles (the fear came as a result of the sleeping troubles), it is amplifying them because now, I am afraid to even go to bed at all! It's less terrifying to simply take small naps here and there throughout the day, never getting into sleep deep enough to sleep through a breathing episode.

I can't just not sleep, though. Especially with Phil gone, I have to take care of myself so that there will be someone to take care of the house and the kids. So I went to bed. Still, I could not drift off to sleep. I kept thinking of other little things that I could do first. I felt like crying! Instead, I prayed for help and guidance with this problem. I prayed for peace and especially for the ability to sleep this night.

As soon as I said "amen" there was a knock at my bedroom door. I groaned. It just figured that, as soon as I prayed for help sleeping, one of the kids would need me and prevent that sleep anyway! I started to get up to go check on whoever it was. (I try not to let the kids come sleep in my bed at night, because I sleep so restlessly that having a small child in the bed often keeps me awake even more than usual.) Then, a thought entered my mind: Why not just have the child come in to talk to me? Then, I could send her (or him) back to bed, and I wouldn't have to get up. So I did. It turns out that it was Becky. She said that she had a bad dream, but when I asked her about it, she couldn't remember anything. She just needed a hug and to cuddle.

That's when it finally occurred to me: I had just finished pouring out my heart to my Heavenly Father, pleading with Him for a way to sleep, even though I was terrified of sleeping alone. I asked for comfort and a way to feel that I wasn't alone. That was precisely when my sweet little angel Becky had come to my room with a vague fear that could only be comforted by a hug from Mom. Wasn't this, in fact, an answer to my prayer? I broke my rule and made room for her next to me on the bed. She settled in and fell asleep immediately. I did too, and the 4 hours that I got last night were more refreshing than any sleep I've had in quite a while. I think I slept straight through the entire 4 hours!

It was amazing, yet it wasn't a first. Becky seems to be particularly in tune with the Spirit where my health is concerned. Maybe that's because she was only a month old when my brain tumor was discovered, and she has pretty much grown up in the doctor's office with me. Or maybe we just have a very special bond. Who knows for sure? But it always seems to be Becky who comes running to check on me just as I'm experiencing some difficult trial related to my health.

For instance, the last time Phil was in Korea, I decided to mow the lawn one day. The kids were pretty small back then (Ben was 6, Emily 4, Becky 2 and Katie not quite 1), and I was reluctant to leave them inside unattended while I was mowing, but I didn't want them playing around the lawn mower either. My neighbor, Kate, who lived just a couple of doors down, came to my rescue and offered to let my kids come play in her yard with her kids until I was finished and came to get them. Kate tells me that about 15 or 20 minutes after she brought the kids to her house, Becky announced that she needed to go home to check on Mommy. Kate told her no, she needed to stay out of Mommy's way, and Mommy would come get her when she was done. Becky was insistent, but Kate was unbendable on this one. Then, one of Kate's children needed something, and Becky snuck off while Kate's attention was diverted to come back down the street to our house.

Meanwhile, I had passed out just as I finished mowing the lawn. I remember that I had bent down to empty the bag on the mower and then I was on the ground. I was in and out of consciousness, and I remember staring at the grass under my face and thinking "I need to get up, this isn't good" but I couldn't fully pull myself out of it. Suddenly, I felt a little hand, gently shaking my shoulder, and I heard a little voice say, "Mommy, wake up." I looked up and saw Becky's concerned face, and that was enough to bring me back. I got up and looked around, but I didn't see anyone. I assumed that I must have imagined it, but I was so grateful for the prodding, even an imaginary one, that finally brought me out of it. I put the lawn mower away and went to get the kids.

When I told my story to Kate, she assured me that I hadn't imagined Becky's presence. About 5 minutes earlier, Becky had, in fact, come back to our yard while Kate had been distracted. She was only gone for a couple of minutes before she had come running back, so Kate hadn't had time to come looking for her. She must have come to wake me up and then run back before I woke fully and got up. Still, there is no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't have been able to wake myself up without her help. And no one else would have come to check on me for quite a while, since the agreement was that I would come get the kids when I was finished.

There have been other little times that Becky has come to check on me just when I need someone. She always seems to know before anyone else. I am so grateful! And I guess I don't need to fear. If she is that in tune with the Spirit, if she could know to come and wake me up when she was down the street, she could feel the prompting to come wake me up when she is in a bedroom across the hall. Just because Phil isn't here doesn't mean I am alone at night. My Heavenly Father is watching over me, and my sweet little guardian angel is intently listening to the whisperings of the Spirit. I truly am blessed.