Title: KISSING FROGS
Genre: YA Contemporary
Word Count: 53,007
Alaina Andersen used to dream of growing up to be a princess, not the girl with the biggest boobs at Southbrook High. But other than her good grades, she’s afraid her DD-cup bra is the only thing anyone notices about her. Alaina has never been kissed, she’s never had a boyfriend, and she’s never even been out on a real date. Most boys are only interested in one thing, but Alaina is holding out for true romance.
She’s
pretty sure that Shane Crawford is the perfect boy she’s been waiting for. Not
only is he gorgeous, he’s sweet and sensitive, and he doesn’t gawk at her chest
when he talks to her. Alaina believes that if she could win Shane’s heart, she
could finally be recognized as more than just the sum of her parts. With the
perfect boyfriend at her side, she might even discover where she belongs. But
when Shane kisses her, then asks her to pretend nothing happened, she begins to
think that nice guys only exist in the fairy tales she used to believe in.
Picking up the pieces of her shattered fantasy, Alaina discovers that Prince
Charming and perfect, magical kisses, aren’t the key to finding her own
“Happily Ever After.”
I think this is pretty good as is but you could improve in the plot. I get a good sense of character, what she wants and why she's having trouble getting it, but at the end you say she discovers there is more to happiness than love, so clearly this isn't a love story.
ReplyDeleteI think it needs a little more. A little more excitment, stakes etc. Even the scene you talk about with the boy she likes that kisses her but tells her not to tell... that isn't climax material, at least not the way it is portrayed and it doesn't lead to something bigger either. It just makes me question where this is going and if it is really worth while.
I think the ending just needs spruced up a little bit. Make me want to know what happens!
P.s. I found this link on #Queryroundtable and since today is the day and she still hasn't posted (and I can't do any critics after 12 since I have to work) I thought I'd jump the gun a little.
This is mine!
http://shadows-of-destiny.blogspot.com/
Nice job! The tone of your query is great. It’s very comical and tweenish which helps place the reader in the mind of Alania. I would split your paragraph into a new section at “But when Shane…” since this seems to introduce your stakes. The ending is catchy too, so you have your query very close to perfect! I wonder if your title works into the plot at all? Because the one negative thing I can say is that it’s a common genre and concept, so if there’s a way to demonstrate your story’s uniqueness, use the final line to bring it home!
ReplyDeleteHey there. Just stopping by from QueryRoundtable. Keep in mind these are only my opinions.
ReplyDeleteAlaina Andersen used to dream of growing up to be a princess, not the girl with the biggest boobs at Southbrook High. But(not sure this "but" is necessary.)other than her good grades, she’s afraid her DD-cup bra is the only thing anyone notices about her.
Alaina has never been kissed, she’s never had a boyfriend, and she’s never even been out on a real date. Most boys are only interested in one thing, but Alaina is holding out for true romance.
She’s pretty sure that Shane Crawford is the perfect boy she’s been waiting for. Not only is he gorgeous, he’s sweet and sensitive, and he doesn’t gawk at her chest when he talks to her. Alaina believes that if she could win Shane’s heart, she could finally be recognized as more than just the sum of her parts. With the perfect boyfriend at her side, she might even discover where she belongs.
But when Shane kisses her, then asks her to pretend nothing happened, she begins to think that nice guys only exist in the fairy tales she used to believe in. Picking up the pieces of her shattered fantasy, Alaina discovers that Prince Charming and perfect, magical kisses, aren’t the key to finding her own “Happily Ever After.” (I really like the ending.)
I love this! So cute :-) And I totally know how she feels - I WAS that girl in HS :-P
ReplyDeleteThe only think I'd like to see is a bit more at stake. She's in an awkward situation, yeah. But what's the choice? What is she faced with that makes her change and grow? And what will happen if she does or doesn't?
It seriously sound so cute, I hope I can read it someday! Great job! <3
Alaina Andersen used to dream of growing up to be a princess. But she’s afraid her DD-cup bra is the only thing anyone notices about her. Alaina has never been kissed or gone out on a real date. Most boys are only interested in one thing, but Alaina is holding out for true romance.
ReplyDeleteShe’s pretty sure Shane Crawford is the boy she’s been waiting for. Not only is he gorgeous, he’s sweet and sensitive, and he doesn’t gawk at her chest. Alaina believes if she could win Shane’s heart, she could finally be recognized as more than just the sum of her parts. With the perfect boyfriend at her side, she might even discover where she belongs.
After Shane kisses her, he asks her to pretend nothing happened, and she begins to think nice guys only exist in the fairy tales she used to believe in. Alaina discovers that Prince Charming and perfect, magical kisses, aren’t the key to finding her own “Happily Ever After.”
This sounds like a really cute, fun story! I would suggest that you try to use stronger verbs in your query. Believes, begins to think, discovers aren't that strong.
Good luck and I hope this helps!
So adorable! We get a really good sense of character in this. I was also this girl in high school, and so I instantly feel for her.
ReplyDeleteBut I think Stacey is right about the plot. I'm sure there's more going on in your story than what you've shown in the query, but you've got to at least hint at something more. What are the stakes? What is the big climax? Build us up to it, hint at it, and let us know it's there.
I think you've got a really great start here, and with a little bit of fine tuning at the end, this could be a great query.
Good luck!
Hi, Veronica! Jo from Query Roundtable here. Sorry I'm late but here I am!!
ReplyDeleteI like the re-write. I did the same thing and updated as I got suggestions so new suggestions were based on new text. Good thinking.
I'd like to see just a hair more tension. Build it up just a tiny bit more. Use her passion for finding true love and feel it. I know you did when you wrote the story :)
Other than that, I don't see any typos or grammatical errors so, send off and see what you get back!
Best of luck!!
Thank you all so much for your comments! I really appreciate you :)
ReplyDelete